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All I want for Christmas is…….

December 18, 2012

I received a cheque today for £500- signed over to the British Lung Foundation.  It was a great reminder of all of the work and effort I had made over the summer to raise cash for the BLF and a sad nudge that I hadn’t really thought about any of that stuff for some months now. 

Not that it’s all gone away of course. There hasn’t been a miracle. My walk over the 3 National Peaks and other fund raising events hasn’t changed the inevitable. It took my mind off it for a while but I didn’t come home to find my dad racing up the stairs- tube free- shouting ‘well done love- I think that did the bloody trick’!

My dad is still dying of a terminal lung disease.  The details aren’t necessary- but right now- things are shit and are set to get a whole lot shitter! We are all harnessed in for what we know is going to be a tough, bumpy ride. With teeth gritted, bad jokes aplenty and that vacant stare we are all starting to sport whenever difficult conversations threaten to start up- we watch and wait.

But then we realised- it’s Christmas… HO HO HO. Surely – all we need to do is stick on a Christmas hat- throw up a tree and hey presto all those conversations about palliative nurses, hospital beds and class A drugs will all just disappear! Replaced with what stuffing we might have in the turkey, and how many crackers we need so the kids don’t start WW3 when there is one short.  It’s December we sing with glee- illness shouldn’t get in the way- god forbid! How can anyone feel sad when Cliff is crooning out about Mistletoe and Wine and the two Ronnie’s Xmas special is playing- again?!

Of course-what I really want to do is RING the neck of Cliff Richard, stuff Michael Buble with the turkey and intravenously feed myself with a Port/mulled wine or anything over 75% on the numbing scale!

I am feeling very sorry for myself.

But then I realised today that just like walking up a cliff face- feeling sorry for myself is not making anything go away.

Today was a reminder. A £500 reminder that for a while I didn’t sit and feel sorry for myself about the whole situation- I went out and tried to do something about it. I joined the thousands of people that get of their arses and make an effort to make things better- even though they know it’s not going to make anything better for their own situation. The parents who walked the 3 peaks for the baby care unit- they weren’t ever going to get their beautiful daughter back but they earned plenty of blisters and  cash for everyone else’s baby that might end up in that unit.  And all those others- who have lost what is most precious to them and yet rather than be swallowed up in self-pity they haul themselves up and they organise jumble sales, parachute jumps, walks, runs and all kinds of events.  These are the people that turn off the sad music- put the glass down and say f*** it… bring it on!

And thank goodness- because that’s what charities rely on. They rely on people saying-f*** it- Bring it on! Despite the fact they may have cradled their baby for its last breath, watched a loved one die in excruciating pain, spent years in pain themselves or just got sick of listening to folks complaining and not doing anything- they DO something.

Today I have realised I want to be one of these people.

So you know what Dad – we are going to have a great Christmas. And it’s going to be great for all the reasons Christmas should be great- because we have it together. You getting stressed over the wrapping paper- mum being a few pitches higher and louder than usual (which is already loud)- us kids being as ungrateful and arsey as ever and the grandkids causing havoc. Our Christmas together. And let’s face it, most probably our last.  

2013 may well be a very sad year but it will be a motivated and successful New Year for lots of reasons. And most importantly it will be a year that says … Fuck it… BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!


But seen as it’s Christmas- and there might just be a chance that miracles happen- I am going to try…. So here goes…


Dear Father Christmas,


This year has been a bit shit to be honest and I   reckon it’s not going to get much better. Now there is no pressure or anything…   but I am wondering if you could help me out on a few things. Ditch the   presents over the side of the sleigh and instead do you reckon you could   grant me a few wishes? I am reckoning you will be up for more than a mince   pie if you can grant… see what you think.


I know you are not God so I won’t ask for what I   really want but…


I would like:


  1. For   my mum to go to sleep just one night and for her heart to not hit the floor and break when   she wakes up because she knows  what   each day might bring
  2. For   my dad to take a whole breath in and it just be a breath in- no pain
  3. For   just once my dad to close his eyes to sleep and not worry he might not open   them again
  4. To   hear my dad say Happy Birthday to me  for just one more year
  5. To   see my dad get totally annoyed at everything Christmas related for just one   more year
  6. To   see my dad hold all of his grandchildren – just one more year
  7. For   my dad to forget- for just one day
  8. To   be 6 again.. to have my dad hold me in his arms and tell me- everything is   going to be OK for just one more time


Good Luck with all of that.. J

 Happy Christmas dad….. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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One Comment
  1. dee2473 permalink

    I did not mean to just like my own blog haaha! duh!!!!!!!!!!!

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