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3 Peaks and a Funeral

July 11, 2012

Well folks- we did it! We conquered the world! Well 3 peaks of it at least. It’s only now that I have the energy to be euphoric about it really. At the time- it was kind of- ok that’s great- now just let me to get bed before I pass away.. Yea not just pass out… I was that tired (and not a bit dramatic)!!!!

It’s only now- 3 days later- that I can look fondly back and say hooray I took on the 3 National Peaks Challenge and it didn’t kill me! Although it felt like it might just do that a few times, particularly as I was grabbing onto an ice rock at the top of the Scafel- wondering how the hell I was going to make it down alive! However a handful of apricots, a few tracker bars and the camaraderie of my team mates got me through relatively unscathed. Although I don’t think I will ever be able to wear heels again- as I seriously may have permanently lost the ability to walk remotely like a lady in anything other than trainers-so  it’s flat pumps all the way for me now- I don’t care how massive my calves look in them!

Before writing this blog I took a quick peek at all my previous blogs to get a flavour of the journey so far. My emotions in some have been very raw and my language as fruity as ever- although I have in the main used those tasteful *** for the really naughty words. I can’t quite believe I talked about my pants in one blog! However, the blogs nicely illustrate that I was mostly having a bloody good time! The fundraising, the blogging and even the training had all contributed to this amazing journey- culminating in a sweaty road trip around the UK- hauling my ass up 3 very large hills!

So here is how it all rolled…

8.00am- arrive at Huddersfield

In the pissing down rain! We all got soaked just putting our bags in the van! However spirits were really high and before we knew it- the tone of conversation in the bus was about as low as it could get! Steve and Matt began their comedy due act for the weekend- which resulted in lots of smutty humour. Kirsty managed to get her hands on Kate’s 50 Shades of Grey book- but it just wasn’t blue enough- much to her disappointment! Stefano managed to sleep through the whole journey pretty much and Kate never took a breath.  Matt managed to arrive without any spare pants- toothbrush- or his newly purchased walking sticks- but what he did have all fitted in a small vintage sports bag. Oh and he had a Llidle bag with tins of beer in! Anyway- we head up the motorway in the rain, wind and thunder and lightning… Thinking what the f*** are we doing!!

3.00- arrive at Fort William

In the sunshine! No-one back in Yorkshire believed us to be honest as it was still torrential rain back down there.  We mosied around for a bit- emptied our bladders- and then got all dressed up for the first ascent. I thought I looked pretty cool in my walking shorts and t-shirts- looking back at the pictures- I looked more like Jimmy Cranky! Mike for some reasons had decided to put on the most girly pair of shorts that he had- acquiring the name The Budgie Smuggler for the rest of the walk- not helped by the fact he had his socks pulled as far up as he could. The kids would have disowned him. Matt actually looked like a hobo that we were trying to locate a hostel for and Steve could have provided Fort William with enough luminous glow for an Olympics opening ceremony. Kate and Kirsty actually looked quite cool- as they did for most of the journey. Well Kirsty looked cool anytime she wasn’t walking uphill- otherwise she looked like a swan match! Stefano looked Italian- make of that what you will 😉

5.00- arrive at Ben Nevis And it looks sh** scary! You can’t even see the top of it!  However, much to my relief, I can see some kid running down the end with his Thomas wellies on… Can’t be that hard then! I got about half way up before realising that- that boy and his Thomas wellies were actually a mirage. The walk was hot, steep and endless. And the idea of looking like Jimmy Cranky was becoming appealing considering that I was already starting to look like her butch brother! My lovely French side plaits were stuck to my head and basically I stank. At this point I realised that any photographs from that point forward were not going to be ones I put in a frame… achievement or no achievement! And any moves towards a group hug were going to be the kind where my arms stayed firmly to my side. The top was amazing… with amazing views.  No time to take it in however- quick photo and then down we go. And if I thought the walk up was hard- how long was the walk down?!  Kirsty provided excellent entertainment however and actually made me wet my pants with laughing (I unlike Matt had spare ones at least). She also managed to shout f*** off at some random strangers because she thought that they were the others in our team taking the pi** by waiting at the bottom for us cos we were last!!  That made me really laugh! One bloke decided to stand behind us both (brave move considering it was upwind) for ages because we were apparently great entertainment. He probably actually thought were drunk and was waiting for an opportunity to drag one of our passed out drunken bodies into a bush! All sense of danger was out on this walk.. bare face rocks- 10,000ft drops and potential axe murderers were all just an obstacle to get round- or not!

Quote of the walk:

Hey everybody.. Steve is such a geek he has a name for a pile of rocks. A CAIRN

Everybody: Yes Matt

9.30- finish Nevis

10.00- arrive at Fort William- McDs

Seemed like a good idea at the time- so we all piled into McDs to fill ourselves up on a healthy mid-challenge snack! Kirsty and I had already changed into our bus pjs and had got to the stage where we really didn’t care anymore. Fort William McDs were having us in our pjs- like it or lump it! Kirsty looked like a total chav and I looked like someone who had been let out for the day but had wandered off by accident. I washed down my big mac with a tin of beer… now how classy is that!

3.00am- arrive at Scafell

Wanting to chuck up big style. MMM that burger and beer might not seem like such a good idea now! The mere mention of orange sports drink had me heaving- and Stefano’s salami- almost got shoved where the sun doesn’t shine! The mood starting Scafell was therefore quieter. It was also steeper and slippier. In fact- the walk was shit from start to finish. It was like walking on ice up a hill and then down again. It was so horrid I don’t even remember finishing it- it was just a blur. I remember being at the top and thinking it might actually be safer to take a leap of faith and just roll all the way down. I did have Steve’s beer hat to protect me after all. The team work was amazing. We all looked after each other but also learnt when not to interfere. We learnt quickly that the views were of no interest to Matt on the way up- they all looked the f**ing same apparently. Kirsty was also best left when climbing- she was grizzly bear on the way up and teddy bear the rest of the time. Steve and Kate kept f***ing running bits- just to really piss me off. If I could have caught them up- I would have given them a whipping I tell you and given each of them one of my poles to carry- no hands required! So I was a joy on the climb too. I am sure Mike appreciated the amount of times I shrilly cried his name to come and help me down a hill that he was already struggling down!

Quote of the walk: Hey you ever seen that film when Julie Walters climbs that hill- the one where she is nun?

Everybody: Yes Matt 7am- finish Scafell

Bus journey – very very very quiet! Steve who never sleeps- reckoned he was watching us all sleep- weirdo- and then taking minging photos. I wonder if he now has a room full of our pictures- a room he goes to sit in and rock or do other stuff- freak!

1.00pm arrive at Snowdon

Sun still shining- not that we care anymore! Matt has made it very clear the views are now boring and he never wants to walk a hill again. He has of course no choice right now however- so he carries on- blisters and all! Kirsty’s knee is strapped up tight and we are all hobbling just a little. The feeling on the top was about as euphoric as it could have been with no sleep and after clocking up 2 other mountains- it was also brief. Hooray we are on our way down- with the sound of Kirsty’s profanities keeping us company.

Quote of the walk: No Julie Andrews was that one that played that drunken woman who looked after all the kids.

Everybody: Mary Poppins?

Matt: Yes that’s it

Everybody: Yes Matt!

5.00pm FINISH

The funeral part was obviously a play on words.. Although we did have to pronounce Matt’s trousers dead at the end of the walk- as the stank was something else. I think they may have been emitting carbon monoxide. It was only fitting therefore that we kindly put them to rest in a bin bag and lost them at a motorway service station! If he asks- they have gone to trouser heaven though remember! The after party and evening in Caernarfon is a blog in itself… Next instalment- Steve, Matt Stefano go Fawlty Towers


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