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Short and Sweet?

June 21, 2012

It doesn’t matter how hard I pretend- I am short.  Jazzing it up does not help either… I am not’ petite’.. I am not ‘a bit smaller than average’…. I am a short ar**.

I blame my parents of course.  A diet of Findus Crispy Pancakes and tinned fruit with carnation milk is not not a diet that promotes growth in a child. Had I been born to parents who could afford to feed me on such luxuries as smoked salmon and crudities- I might have been a giant!  A packets of crisps outside the Woolpack  did not count as one of my five a day- DAD!!

It wasn’t just negligence on their part. They can also be blamed genetically. Neither of them measure up more than 5″3 so it is hardly surprising that I grew to 5″1 and stayed there!  They could have thought more carefully when choosing a partner- and tried at least to beat the odds.  How selfish were they succumbing to love!

Everyone’s a damn comedian when it comes to my height. All kinds of funny! My husband once  suggested that we go as the Krankies to a fancy dress party!And when Mini Me was introduced on Austin Powers.. the jokes just rolled!  Oh how we all laughed!! sorry I meant how they all laughed!

And it is also always OK to mention my height. If I had a massive nose or a huge wart on my face- people would take great pains NOT to make comment. But the instant I meet people- my height is  often one of the first things that is mentioned; ‘ ooh aren’t you small’ – ‘hey look- isn’t it funny- your 13 year old daughter is taller than you’! WELL NO- TO BE HONEST- IT IS NOT FUNNY!

All those cliched sayings are bloody annoying too. ‘Short and Sweet’?   no one said that about Napolean  or Hitler did they?! And ‘Great things come in small packages’  hardly describes Bin Laden!!

There are some cool short people though.

Here are a few:

General Tom Thumb ( yes he really was a real person)!!

Gary Cole.. whatchoo talking about Willis?!

Dolly Parton- one of my heroes

And my Fave Danny Devito

And not forgetting- Prince, Tom Cruise and the lovely Bruno Mars. All famous despite being short arses!

I don’t mind about my height anymore actually.. I had learned to live with it.  Until I started walking up very big hills.

Because for every step my 6″ husband makes- I have to make 2-3. And it’s not because I am not as fit as him- because I so am!!  It’s because his legs are about a foot longer.. at least! Off he goes strolling into the distance with me lagging behind…running a little bit every time he stops looking to make up for lost time and then pretending to look all cool when he looks around.

Running depresses me even more! I am running along- feeling very proud of myself- when some normal sized person strolls past me. I almost got overtaken by some old dear the other day laden down with about 6 shopping bags! It’s just not fair!

Being short basically means that in sporting activities I have to work harder than a tall person to achieve the same results ( other than limbo I guess)?

Thinking about it though- small people have always had a hard time. Old Willy Wonka did nothing in that chocolate factory did he.. the Oompah Lumpahs did everything. Same goes for the Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz. And look at the Seven Dwarves… working all day down a mine while Snow White pi**ed about singing with the birds and squirrels.. lazy sod! We, the short people, have been taken the p*** out of for ever!!!

I actually considered  if I should get extra time for the 3 peaks.  A bit like on the Para Olympics. I should get to set off at least a day ahead of everyone else! I also considered walking in platform shoes.. think of the calf muscles you would get doing that!

But that won’t happen of course.. I will just have to train harder.. take bigger steps.. and get on with it.  Because unless some miracle happens before the 6th of July- I will still be 5″1.

All I can say though is – BRING IT ON.. cos these legs might be short but my attitude and determination is HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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